You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
