just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
