Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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