i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
