I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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