I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
