I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
