It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
