I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
