We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
