I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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