sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
