I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
third nipple confirmed
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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