I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
