I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
