There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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