I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
