Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
