His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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