kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
