you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
