If that was your dad, he is hot
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
