She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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