dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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