Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
