ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
