It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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