Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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