I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
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