I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
