I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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