if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
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