I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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