Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm like, not good at living.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
