just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
