So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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