there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
