He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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