My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
