just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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