my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Randomize
