Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Randomize
