Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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