You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
