That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
