I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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