does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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