Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
