I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
