exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
