I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You left your phone here
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