a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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