so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Someone signed my nipple.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
