some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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